I thought this was very funny.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, having a Leatherman would be it. The long-term benefits of a Leatherman have been proved by BOFHs, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Just spotted this classic job advertisment.
Desktop Support Wunderkind
Computers, it must be said, smell terrific right out of the box. It’s that rich, soft fragrance of treated plastic, fresh metal and chemical residue. For some people, there’s nothing better on earth than lugging home a new piece of kit, slicing open the taped seals with an orange box-cutter, and sliding that baby out, cradled gently in a Styrofoam cage and swaddled in anti-static bags. There’s the intrinsic joy involved in carefully unwrapping each component, unlooping various metres of cable and setting it all up just right. Just look at it. It looks so new and amazing, so unique. It’s as though you’re the only person in the world, right at that time, possessing that exact piece of equipment. It’s not a mass-produced device, consumed by the unwashed crowds like a toaster or one of those ridiculous hair-curling devices, but a unique and beautiful snowflake, completely yours.
For some, though, the fantasy stops right there. For others it doesn’t even start. The latter group will use the mouse as a walkie-talkie (“Hello computer? Hello?”) and wonder why they can’t water the pot plants that they keep perched on top of the monitor without the screen going on the fritz. Sometimes they ask “Has it got the internet in it?” A select few are too deficient to even work out how to plug it in, even though everything is colour coded and the instructions are quite straightforward.
Living, as we do, in the year 2003 A.D. and not knowing how to use a computer is akin, I would imagine, to living in 10,000 B.C. and not knowing how to use a rock*. But some people still choose to live their lives at a profoundly advanced level of computational witlessness, and that’s where the Desktop Support people come in. It’s remedial learning time for the techno-dolts. I call them Computo-Stupids.
Computo-Stupids can be quite pugnacious when it comes to admitting exactly how insensate they really are. But it’s not our job to be judgemental of Computo-Stupids. After all, their limited faculties must be put to use doing other things, such as “food getting”, “doing sleep” and “toilet having”. Also they like to grunt. A lot.
The Computo-Stupids need your help. Are you up to the challenge?
Quality Desktop Support professionals with plenty of experience and tertiary learnin’ required by this magnificent organisation. The successful candidates will possess the following stuff:
# Impeccable oral and written communication skills, and a kindly, patient and friendly phone manner
# A commitment to excellence with a strong customer focus
# Flexibility, coupled with logic, coupled with first class troubleshooting ability, to form some kind of mutated approach to quality technical support
# The capacity to work unsupervised and under pressure
# Comprehensive, encyclopaedic desktop support knowledge of Microsoft Windows 9x/NT/2000 and Backoffice products
# Solid practical knowledge of LAN/WAN concepts and related support issues
# Extensive Lotus Notes experience
# A handful of SAP experience ideal, though not mandatory
# A background in Desktop Support within a large-scale corporate environment, with a large user base
# Consultative ability.
3 month contract. South Eastern suburbs (own transport a good idea). $30 per hour commensurate with experience.
Think you’re up to it? Do you think you can help the Computo-Stupids? Just look into their big, brown, wet and empty eyes and tell me that you don’t feel at least compassion for them, if not full-scale pity. Is it really you to let something suffer like that? End their misery. Learn them the Computo.
Apply now, or call Gary Fernandes for more information.
*Hint: It’s for bashing.
This is just too funny….
But Mr. Chirac was soon upstaged by Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein, appearing on Iraqi national television to say, “For $30 billion, I will attack myself, and I will prevail.”
While some in NATO expressed optimism that Saddam’s proposal could avert a war with Iraq, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer was openly dismissive of Saddam’s offer to attack himself, calling it “a charade.”
“He’s telling the world that he’ll attack himself and he’ll prevail, but once he gets our money, he’ll attack himself and lose,” Mr. Fleischer said. “It’s just more of his double-talk.”
Via Jeremy the Apathetic Online Journal Entry Generator… Very funny… Should try that on my blog sometime.
Posting volume has been very low this week, I’ve been sick for a couple of days, and flat out at work on top of all of that.
This is just too funny. I can’t confirm that it’s genuine but it is still very funny.
The Price of Stupidity
What a world? (country NSW)… On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.
In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company.
It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate’s Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend’s had been.
[4] Pay the claimant’s court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
Ever wondered what the Gettysburg address would look like if it was delivered in powerpoint? Well, now you know.
Clippy: “It looks like you’re sueing Microsoft. Would you like help?”
This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while.
I’m Steve and I’m a supervillian.
Switch to… uh… whatever the hell you want.
My sister sent me this.
“Let me explanify the war against Iraq a little bit in Texas terminology.”
