Published May 30th, 2003 by Jim O'Halloran
Classic Job Advert
Just spotted this classic job advertisment.
Desktop Support Wunderkind
Computers, it must be said, smell terrific right out of the box. It’s that rich, soft fragrance of treated plastic, fresh metal and chemical residue. For some people, there’s nothing better on earth than lugging home a new piece of kit, slicing open the taped seals with an orange box-cutter, and sliding that baby out, cradled gently in a Styrofoam cage and swaddled in anti-static bags. There’s the intrinsic joy involved in carefully unwrapping each component, unlooping various metres of cable and setting it all up just right. Just look at it. It looks so new and amazing, so unique. It’s as though you’re the only person in the world, right at that time, possessing that exact piece of equipment. It’s not a mass-produced device, consumed by the unwashed crowds like a toaster or one of those ridiculous hair-curling devices, but a unique and beautiful snowflake, completely yours.
For some, though, the fantasy stops right there. For others it doesn’t even start. The latter group will use the mouse as a walkie-talkie (“Hello computer? Hello?”) and wonder why they can’t water the pot plants that they keep perched on top of the monitor without the screen going on the fritz. Sometimes they ask “Has it got the internet in it?” A select few are too deficient to even work out how to plug it in, even though everything is colour coded and the instructions are quite straightforward.
Living, as we do, in the year 2003 A.D. and not knowing how to use a computer is akin, I would imagine, to living in 10,000 B.C. and not knowing how to use a rock*. But some people still choose to live their lives at a profoundly advanced level of computational witlessness, and that’s where the Desktop Support people come in. It’s remedial learning time for the techno-dolts. I call them Computo-Stupids.
Computo-Stupids can be quite pugnacious when it comes to admitting exactly how insensate they really are. But it’s not our job to be judgemental of Computo-Stupids. After all, their limited faculties must be put to use doing other things, such as “food getting”, “doing sleep” and “toilet having”. Also they like to grunt. A lot.
The Computo-Stupids need your help. Are you up to the challenge?
Quality Desktop Support professionals with plenty of experience and tertiary learnin’ required by this magnificent organisation. The successful candidates will possess the following stuff:
# Impeccable oral and written communication skills, and a kindly, patient and friendly phone manner
# A commitment to excellence with a strong customer focus
# Flexibility, coupled with logic, coupled with first class troubleshooting ability, to form some kind of mutated approach to quality technical support
# The capacity to work unsupervised and under pressure
# Comprehensive, encyclopaedic desktop support knowledge of Microsoft Windows 9x/NT/2000 and Backoffice products
# Solid practical knowledge of LAN/WAN concepts and related support issues
# Extensive Lotus Notes experience
# A handful of SAP experience ideal, though not mandatory
# A background in Desktop Support within a large-scale corporate environment, with a large user base
# Consultative ability.
3 month contract. South Eastern suburbs (own transport a good idea). $30 per hour commensurate with experience.
Think you’re up to it? Do you think you can help the Computo-Stupids? Just look into their big, brown, wet and empty eyes and tell me that you don’t feel at least compassion for them, if not full-scale pity. Is it really you to let something suffer like that? End their misery. Learn them the Computo.
Apply now, or call Gary Fernandes for more information.
*Hint: It’s for bashing.